From: Lyndon

Date: January 13, 2004 12:41 AM


Subject: Monty Python and the Lord of the Rings


Message: Scene III

ARAGORN:
Old woman!

CELEBORN:
Man!

ARAGORN:
Man. Sorry. Who lives in that castle over there?

CELEBORN:
I'm immortal.

ARAGORN:
I- what?

CELEBORN:
I'm immortal. I don't look old.

ARAGORN:
Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

CELEBORN:
Well, you could say 'Celeborn'.

ARAGORN:
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Celeborn'!

CELEBORN:
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARAGORN:
I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from
the behind you looked-

CELEBORN:
What I object to is that you automatically treat
me like an inferior!

ARAGORN:
Well, I am King!

CELEBORN:
Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that,
eh? By exploiting the work force! By 'anging on
to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates
the economic and social differences in our
society. If there's ever going to be any progress
with the-

FIGWIT:
Celeborn, there's some lovely filth down here.
Oh! How d'you do?

ARAGORN:
How do you do, good la- man? I am Aragorn, King
of Gondor. Who's castle is that?

FIGWIT:
King of what?

ARAGORN:
The Middle-Earth.

FIGWIT:
Who's that then?

ARAGORN:
Well, we all are. We are all denziens of Middle
Earth, and I am your king.

FIGWIT:
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.

CELEBORN:
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a
dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in
which the working classes-

FIGWIT:
Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

CELEBORN:
That's what it's all about. If only people would
hear of-

ARAGORN:
Please! Please, good elves. I am in haste. Who
lives in that castle?

FIGWIT:
No one lives there.

ARAGORN:
Then who is your lord?

FIGWIT:
We don't have a lord.

ARAGORN:
What?

CELEBORN:
We're communist collective. We split everything
up and-

ARAGORN:
Yes.

CELEBORN:
...but all the decisions made by the collective
have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly
meeting...

ARAGORN:
Yes, I see.

CELEBORN:
...by a simple majority in the case of purely
internal affairs,...

ARAGORN:
Be quiet!

CELEBORN:
...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of
more major--

ARAGORN:
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

FIGWIT:
Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

ARAGORN:
I am your king!

FIGWIT:
Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARAGORN:
You don't vote for kings.

FIGWIT:
Well, how did you become King, then?

ARAGORN:
[slow motion, Enya chanting]
The broken sword of Narsil, glimmering from its
altar in Rivendell was reforged for me by the
elves there, transformed into Anduril, flame of
the west and signifying by Divine Providence that
I, Aragorn, was to rule Middle Earth.
[end slow motion and chanting]
That is why I am your king!

CELEBORN:
Listen. Half elves in valleys distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government. Supreme
executive power derives from a mandate from the
masses, not from some farcical ancient ceremony.

ARAGORN:
Be quiet!

CELEBORN:
Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme
executive power just 'cause some long-haired,
tiara wearing cad threw a sword at you!

ARAGORN:
Shut up!

CELEBORN:
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor
of Rohan just because some crossdressing bint had
lobbed a spear at me, they'd put me away!

ARAGORN:
Shut up, will you? Shut up!

CELEBORN:
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the
system.

ARAGORN:
Shut up!

CELEBORN:
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the
system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

ARAGORN:
Bloody elf!

CELEBORN:
Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you
hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you
see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

--From my Friendster Bulletin Board