Go away, emo kid.
listening to: Nagayama Takashi - Haru ni Omoidashi Omou
wishes for: i honestly do not know
mood:

We fought, you ran away. "It's always like this," is what I thought.
All I could do is bid you farewell as you fled, unable to do anything more, I...

We're on a downhill slide; are you crying somewhere now, I wonder? Or are you actually somewhere waiting for me?
It's not like you'd ever take it back, you've made your decision...

Why couldn't I just have been honest with you? I should have gone after you.
But you weren't there, you weren't there down by the river, where the sakura blossoms dance.
Why couldn't I just have been honest with you? Standing there, trying to look cool,
With the spring breeze blowing against me, I'll seek you out.

The sakura blossoms blow around me as I search and search for you, growing tired, but all that's left...
...is your image, back turned to me, still there, in my eyes.

I was wrong, but it's so like me--where are you now, with your back turned to me? I can't find you anywhere.
I just want to see your face once more, your smiling face.

Why couldn't I just have been honest with you? I should have gone after you.
If only it had been enough, but it just wasn't. I want to go back to that time.

Spring is the season when things are supposed to start,
But for me...I can't do anything but remember the past.

Why couldn't I just have been honest with you? I should have gone after you.
I'll be thinking of you in that season when the sakura blossoms dance.

Why couldn't I just have been honest with you? It's so long to wait, and I'm so looking forward to it.
The blossoms are falling, and you're just like the sakura, I'll be thinking of you in the spring.

-translations of Nagayan's song, Haru ni Omoidashi Omou, taken from here, as translated by fencer_x.


So I'm writing because I think that no one's ever going to read this. I'm not doing this to bash anyone, I'm not doing this to get anyone to hate me, or anyone else. I'm doing this because I have to. It's... Catharsis, I suppose.

Because it's hard being a friend for both sides

What was it that someone told me? Neutral Pacifism? Yeah, that one. Someone told me I wa a Neutral Pacifist. Because I don't want either side getting hurt. So in the end, I'm the one taking the pain. Just because I don't want anyone being sad.

I take it. And then smile. Because I don't want to sulk about it.

I KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR

AND I HATE IT BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I want to say that I don't want anything to do with it, BUT I CAN'T.



FINE. Do what you want, go ahead. I'll take care of the other end, so that nothing will ever have to happen. But what if I can't handle it? Won't I be blamed because I let it happen?


I just.. I don't know.



Maybe you're right and I don't know you after all. I don't even know who I am. I don't know what to do anymore. I really want to say that I don't want a hand in this, but I can't. I'm your FRIEND. I don't want you to feel bad. Any of you.

Heck, I consider you guys more my FAMILY than the people whose blood I share.




I love you guys.. and I don't want us to fall apart because of this. I don't want ANY of you breaking, hurting, and I'd do ANYTHING just so that you WON'T. EVER.






But right now.. I don't think I can do anything anymore. Or at all.




That doesn't mean I'll not try anymore. I'll keep trying.


Even though I know that at one point, all of you would hate me. I still would try and keep us all together. Whatever it takes.

I love you guys. I really do.






I just really don't know what to do right now.