Letters
listening to: Tomoko Tane - Let Me Hear
wishes for: ...
mood:

Dear Ross,

I know you'll might never be able to read this as you have no LiveJournal account, nor would you even dare read, much less look, hear or acknowledge, anything that comes from me. I know it's rather stupid knowing that and I'm still writing this, but I feel that it is my duty to at least finally be able to say something, or in this case write, about what we used to be, what we are, what I wanted us to be, and what we will become.

You, my dear friend, were one of the first friends that I made in College. You even had those dorky thick glasses then. Remember the silly pictures we took of each other during one of our 10-minute breaks? Those were memorable. I wish I still had copies of those, but I think I lost them. I suppose our yahoogroups still has copies, maybe I can still get it from there. Ross, my good pal, you were one of the bestest friends I've ever had in College. I even envied you, because you were so good in making friends. I was too shy. But I met you. I interacted with you. We became friends. We shared interests. We laughed together, ate together, went places together, made ourselves look like fools in the arcade playing ParaParaParadise, took pictures with quite questionable poses together... Those were one of the best moments in my life. I had a special place for you in my heart, I cannot deny that. I loved you like a fool, but never realized it until it was a tad too late.

And it hurt.

We cannot even be called enemies. We cannot even be called friends, at this rate. What are we then, Ross? Are we just two people who have nothing to do with each other? It hurts to think that, Ross. I felt for you; I still do, I think. It hurts to think that we may never ever return to what we used to be. I admit, I was wrong to overdo what I did. I never thought that you'd react like that. All I wanted to teach you was that you should stop saying "I give up." Because I never wanted you to lose face. I wanted you to be who you really are: someone with a brilliant mind who can do anything if he willed himself. Maybe the method I used was a little too harsh, or maybe it was immature. Maybe I shouldn't even have bothered to try and help. But I did. It was in my nature. And I don't have foresight. If I did, I'd have known what could have happened and prevented it. But I don't. And I let it happen. I should have done something. I think I did, though. If I did or didn't, I don't think it matters. You never looked at me anymore. You didn't hear me, see me, or even feel my prescence. You erased me from your life.

At one point, I accepted that. That form of acceptance was a mix of anger and impassiveness. I expressed that I was mad at your being so cold at the same time did not care. I was foolish. I should have said that I was sorry as soon as possible, but alas, asking for forgiveness was never part of who I am. So I let it pass. I let it hurt. I let it be.

Time passed, I've gone and left Gokongwei for what I hope is a better institution for me, for a course more suited to my skills. I've said goodbye to all my friends. You were there. I wanted to walk up to you, give you a hug and say goodbye a last time. But I couldn't. I could feel the distance that separated you from me. At first, I thought it was just a tiny little tear, one that we can mend with a thread and needle. No; It was worse than that. It's as if we were worlds apart. As if we never existed.

So I left De La Salle with a heavy heart. Because I was leaving behind people I cared for. Because I was leaving behind memories I wanted to last forever.

But mostly because I've never uttered three words to you. Three simple words that could have brought us back together. Three words that could have made me stay.

No, I did not leave because of you, dearest Ross. I did not leave because of the distance between us. I did not leave because I would see you everyday, but you would not see me. I did not leave because of the pain I felt in my chest when you planned CCS Amazing Race all by yourself-- I was supposed to be your partner, remember? We had been planning that since after the success of last year's race. No, I did not leave because of that. I left simply because there is no place for me with that course. Computers, Ross, were merely my hobby. A hobby cannot be the focus of your job, because you'll get tired of it eventually, and I do not want that to happen. Not only that, I don't think I'll get far with programming. I suppose it was all luck for me.

Ross, I've made bad decisions in my life. And not telling you anything is one of them. I told my bestfriend once that I liked you, that I somehow knew you felt the same. I had hoped to have ended up with something a little more that friendship. My favorite picture of the both of us is still the one we took last year, with me wearing that silly dress: it was of you hugging me in a more or less possessive manner. It's still my favorite. It'll always be.

I suppose, we should move on with our lives. I suppose, we shouldn't bother with these things anymore. I suppose I should accept the fact that we'll never be friends again. But if we left this behind and not do anything about it, it will haunt me forever. I know you might never forgive me, but at least let me say my peace.

Ross, dearest, there's a space for you in my heart. If I dared tell you those words, I don't think there would be an emptiness in it right now.

I wish you all the best, my dear friend. I hate having lost you.

I am sorry. For everything I've ever done.