listening to: the karaoke thing on TV
wishes for: To get in UST College of Education, damnit
mood:
So. I'm down to my last 27 hours as a teenager. Wow. It's... sort of scary if you think about it.. I'm turning the double decades! I'm getting more responsibilities and I still haven't.. grown out of this childish attitude of mine. I'm still immature, still bratty, still.. someone with a mindset of a 13 year old. I still get teenage angst attacks, I still get emo over things.. I'm still short and my voice is shrill... How can anyone think I'm 20? I mean, everyone I meet say I don't look my age. All of them say that I'm fifteen or something, and can't believe that I'm in college. Well, I don't blame them. Mostly. I suppose, I just look young for my age. But then again, there are people who don't look their age but act theirs. So how come I'm not one of them? Probably because of my upbringing...? I was raised by people who gave me what I wanted when I was a kid. I was raised by people who pampered me, fussing over me, doing things for me. At school, though, I led another life. I was a loner, mostly, especially during elementary. I never had people with me during lunch or recess. It was mostly me, my food and looking out of the window at everyone else. Sure, I sometimes played with the other girls or hung out with them.. But I was mostly alone. And then I was shoved into a world so different from what I was raised in. A rumor spread that some girl crushed on me. I was confused. I didn't really know what it meant, being raised in a conservative family. And then I learned about sex when I wasn't supposed to have learned about it yet. At the time, I was only supposed to know that when your mommy and your daddy love each other, they get a bloody bird to deliver the baby. Whut. SO yeah. My mind got corrupted at an early age. I acted all innocent at home, and not-so innocent outside of it. And then, highschool came. I sort of started to change. I became a little more rebellious, less religious and more... more of who I am now. I suppose.. I got a little worse. But then again, all I ever wanted to do was find myself.. And I feel that the environment here at home doesn't let me do what I need to do to be 'me'. But then again, who really is 'Rika'? Is she just someone trying to escape reality? Or is she someone trying to become someone she can never really become?
I, for one, wouldn't answer that question. Rika is Rika, whatever the explanation is. What makes Rika up is the things around her. Her past, her present, and everything in between and all around. That's what Rika is. Right? The good side, the bad side, the side Rika's never shown anyone else... That's Rika. Sugar and spice, not everything nice, though. Rika wouldn't like it, but that's how Rika is. Rika likes things that catch her eye, that tug at her heart, that speaks for themselves. It's a wide variety of things that make her up, and that's how it should be.
Aah, but then.. am I "Rika"?
^^; Aaaah, mou. I pulled another Shinji~ ^^;